“…I remember back then when I started understanding what sex and virginity was, I would wonder if I was a virgin cause too many fingers had gone into my panties and even the real thing a couple of times but none ever entered me, at least not that I could remember. Around 13years old, an uncle came to live with my family and he picked up where others left…”
Hello. Please forgive my anonymity, my story is quite sensitive and you would agree with me after reading my story (well, I hope so, lol). It’s sorta long though but trust me, it’s a very summarized version. Okay, so here goes:
A lot of us know who we got our first kiss from, I don’t. As a matter of fact, growing up to ‘uncles’ putting their mouth in mine seemed normal. Yeah! You guessed right. I was sexually abused as a little girl. People my parents trusted as per ‘good neighbors’ would kiss me and play with my private parts. I knew it wasn’t right but there was no one I could tell because I felt I would be blamed, with a feeling of guilt that it was my fault. I did not know how I caused it but I just felt that it was my fault so I never told anyone. Looking back I can count at least 7 different individuals (including two females) who abused me before the age of 13 and of course, they were all older than I was. I remember back then when I started understanding what sex and virginity was, I would wonder if I was a virgin cause too many fingers had gone into my panties and even the real thing a couple of times but none ever entered me, at least not that I could remember. Around 13years old, an uncle came to live with my family and he picked up where others left (is it only me, right? Lol). This particular uncle knew the time I would be home alone (the time bracket between when I returned from school and when I went for evening tutorials). He would come home at this time every day and do all sorts with me. At this age though, I enjoyed it. In fact, I sometimes waited for him, or go late to lesson because of him. I knew it was wrong but somehow I couldn’t help it. I had urges and there was no boyfriend so I had to make do. But a day came that I decided enough was enough and I did not want to live like that anymore. I promised myself that since I could not change the past, I still had the present and the future so I must keep myself the way I was for my future hubby. So I started being rude to my uncle and I wouldn’t let him get close. He left our house very soon after that and I felt triumphant but was I? Please read on.
My uncle left when I was (I think) 14 and I had my very first boyfriend a few weeks to my 15th birthday. To me, he was just perfect and I had to keep him the only way I knew how: with my body. Due to a previous experience with my uncle, I was afraid of sex (truth is, I still am) so I would never let him pull down my jeans(yea, I always visited him in jeans, I thought I was smart) but his fingers were allowed to go in and I compensated him for the restriction with oral sex(something else I picked from my uncle and the internet) I learnt how to do it well just for him. I didn’t think I could live without him but lo and behold even with all my ‘smartness’ he broke up after 4months and I suspect it was because I wouldn’t let him have sex with me. I begged and begged but no, he dint take me back and even started to verbally abuse me so I left him. But I still had urges. I used a certain guy who had been asking me out to meet those urges (I was 15 then). I never told him a yes but I used him all the same and he thought we were in a relationship and even flaunted me every chance he got. Yea, I was what you will call a ‘big girl’ and every one wanted me so he felt lucky. This went on for some months before I fought with him when I started my second official relationship. He started the fight but I saw it as an opportunity and he ended up begging and begging but no way, my second boyfriend was a good guy and so I felt it won’t be nice to cheat on him. Although when urges came and he was not around and someone else was, I went for it. Yeap! I had a couple of ‘friends with benefits’.
Long story cut short, this particular relationship lasted 11months and I broke up. Why? Well, because I met the only true love of all time, Jesus! He filled every void inside of me, took away every emptiness and filled me with immeasurable joy and peace. Did I mention I did not like the life I was living? I didn’t but I felt trapped like there was nothing I could do. I shared my story in as much detail as I did cause I know at least one person can relate with my past or maybe yours is even worse. I want to tell you there is hope for you. Jesus doesn’t discriminate no matter where you have been or what you have done and he does not expect you to live holy cause he knows you cannot. Instead, he offers to carry your burdens of pain, of loneliness, of insecurity, of regret, and every single burden you are carrying while he gives you his rest. Truth is, he already carried these burdens and they were nailed to the cross with him so you absolutely don’t have to carry all that baggage. Yes, there are times I wish I don’t have the past I have because I still get those serious urges but Jesus helps me to deal with them. I still find it hard to believe that it’s just about three years with Him and I have healed this much. My low self-esteem has even tremendously healed. See, you don’t have to continue living like that, come to freedom! Come to Jesus!
Jesus changed my garment and gave me a brand new life.
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