“That night I shut myself completely from God. I cursed him. I said HE was wicked”- Agboye Deborah

“…that night I shut myself completely from God.  I cursed him. I said HE was wicked. I told him he never loved me. I went to the kitchen took a knife and tried killing myself but it wasn’t going through. I wanted to commit suicide because I couldn’t take it anymore but the knife wasn’t piercing in. The ten commandments kept ringing in my heart. My family was so angry with me that day.  They called me a disappointment, a failure, all sort of names I deserved. They asked what went wrong I couldn’t answer. I was surprised myself…”




 I used to ponder what trial was?  I was always thinking what it is to be on the downturn of life, where you had no one to turn to. I used to think studying really hard for an exam, and at the end of the day, when the result comes out and you perform below expectation was a trial.

I could still divulge an event where I spent day and night studying for an exam. I prepared for about three months if not more than. If you asked me any question, relating to our area of study,  I would answer almost if not all. It was funny how I could answer questions like,  where the first dead man was found. like who cares about it right?  I kept my mind and heart towards coming out excellently in the examination. I read at every opportunity I had. I learnt new things everyday. I was tested on various occasions before the exams, I passed well. I was becoming close to good because I was already hitting 80% on the test results. I would wake up every night studying as though the exam were the next day. Reading became my second nature.  I was literally getting addicted. There was a time where I had planned to wake up for the night to study, I guess I was too depleted the previous night, so I overslept. When I woke up, I saw the time and I jumped out of bed even though I had an hour to prepare for class. I still read that morning, I didn’t want the night to go wasted.  I really felt guilty for sleeping and it really got to me that morning. I was tirelessly reading,  trying to get my brain busy. I loved challenges as it took me over the edge.

As the date of the exam was drawing nigh, my studying scheme became intense.  I took every chance to study. I was completely nervous but I kept studying. I was about to write an exam where they ask weird questions like who was the Japanese President. The truth is that I could careless but I need to study wide. The exam is just to test our knowledge on social skills! like as though If you asked a white kid what KANO RIOT was all about, he would know the answer. The more I felt prepared for the exam, the more different materials kept coming out and that makes me feel unprepared. I was certain I was not going to fail. I just had that courage. I trusted God,  even when I didn’t pray much. I devoted 99.1% of my time studying and the remaining point 9 praying. sad right?. I felt if I studied more,  God would see my effort and reward me.
I prayed at church every Sunday, I prayed for my friends. I was too confident that God would not let me down. At least I’m a good girl.  I don’t have a boyfriend, I try to tell the truth all the time. I do things right.  I don’t hound men for lucre. I continue mounting reasons why God should beneficence me. Its like I  was ordering God but I didn’t realize it.

Few hours to the exam, I prayed, I haven’t slept for more than three hours for two days now. I was already reading and memorizing historical dates. I bet if you asked me any historical events that has occurred in the world, I would answer and keep you in awe then. My brain was at alert. I studied for the mathematics paper. I wasn’t really good but I studied it like it was like my last day on earth.
I entered into the hall where the exam was to be conducted, I was quiet,  Praying earnestly to God.  I even asked my friends that were around me  not to be abusive at that moment because we needed God’s intervention. I was such a good girl.

We waited few hours before the supervisors moved us to their ICT room where the exam would be written because it was computer based. I was directed to my seat,  I sat down as I tried to logging in with my personal details with shaky hands. The exam was timed thirty minutes for forty questions. I had to solve mathematics without a calculator. It was really messed up. I tried finishing the first two papers within 15 minutes, then mathematics appeared. I was  virtually numb when I saw those questions that appeared before my eyes. I had never seen any questions like that in my existence as a human. I picked up my paper and pen as i tried to solve the first question. By the time I was half way through, it was remaining  eight minutes left, and I still had about fourteen and a half questions to solve. panic took over my consciousness as I couldn’t think straight. Before I could say jack, it was seconds left for the computer to log me out. Wow right?  I just couldn’t leave the questions unshaded so I started ticking anything. By the time I was done the computer logged me out. I remember I cried. I was pained because those months of studying was for nothing. I was automatically depressed. I guess God wanted to show me HE was the bigger person. I shut down completely from God.

I still had another exam I was going to write. I just took the form for an assurance, but deep down I thought I was never going to use it. I trusted that the first exam I took was going to be successful, now all my dreams were all shattered into million pieces and no one is helping me fix them back.
I started preparing for the next exam with no enthusiasm. I just knew I had to pass it.  I hardly read for it because I was still in hope that My first result might turn out well or if not, someone was going to help me bend the rules I depended on that MAN.
TWO WEEKS later, the result came out, I was seven point away from the initial score. I was down. I still trusted that MAN to do something. The more relentless I felt to study for the upcoming exam, the closer the date is drawing near.

I knew I had to focus on what’s ahead of me but the pain of the past, couldn’t make me see what’s in front of me. As it was time to write the second exam, i tried reading a little. I tried and tried but I was not motivated enough too. I was like a wounded lion, but I kept reading. I wrote the second exam and when the result came out,  I failed. That night I shut myself completely from God.  I cursed him. I said HE was wicked. I told him he never loved me. I went to the kitchen took a knife and tried killing myself but it wasn’t going through. I wanted to commit suicide because I couldn’t take it anymore but the knife wasn’t piercing in. The ten commandments kept ringing in my heart. My family were so angry with me that day.  They called me a disappointment, a failure, all sort of names I deserved. They asked what went wrong I couldn’t answer. I was surprised myself.

I cried begging God to take my life that I didn’t want to live anymore. I pleaded with him that night. After gaining consciousness, I apologize to God,  asking for forgiveness. I thanked him because he knew me better than myself. I asked for strength to pass through my challenges as l was broken, too broken. The next day. I went to church, winning souls for Jesus with that big hole in my heart.  When I finished,  I wrote a letter to God and submitted it at the altar. I guess when I left there that day, I let go of all the hurt and allowed God’s will be done.

I got a call concerning that MAN that promised to work things out.  The news was that things didn’t work out. in fact, I felt indifferent about the news. I was starting to put God first place in my heart instead of idolizing my dreams. I continued praying for God’s kingdom and also seeking God’s intervention for lost souls to be saved. I was enjoying fellowshipping with God. I went for outreaches countless times. My prayer life was improving. I wake up even at night to spend time with God.  I sang, I danced, I prayed. I was always in church.  It was like my solace. I found peace In the Presence of God. I  continued like that for some weeks until I got a call,  saying the second exam I wrote, that there’s 80% chance of me getting admitted. I appreciated God but that was it. I placed it at the back of my mind. I continued spending more time with HIM.

Three days later,  I got an SMS, saying I was admitted. I was too happy to dance or sing or cry. All I did was to give gratitude to God.  I just whispered and said truly Matthew 6:33 works. trust me,  HE is a rewarder of those who diligently seek HIM.  That was God showing me he loves me.  That was God being there for me. All HE wanted was for me to put him first place in my heart . I thought that was a trial until I heard a testimony of a lady, a couple of days ago.

She started by saying, She gave her life to Christ at fifteen years old,  since then she had been with HIM. On her way back from rehearsals at age twenty-four,she was raped by three men. She said she was already engaged and was a virgin. The leader of the gang,  saw she couldn’t walk so he walked her to the BUS STOP, then pleaded for her forgiveness. she prayed for him and forgave him. It must have been really hurting. She said when she got home,  she closed her room door and worshipped the name of the lord not because she was raped but because of his mercies that endures forever. About 90.2% of people will shut down on God at that instance. I would too, but she sang praises to God in tears and happiness, glorifying God’s name. She was coming from a church rehearsals and was raped.  She said for a week she didn’t agonize on what she had lost but as she was worshipping God, thanking HIM, she felt a touch around her waist. She described it like a garment of love. I was so moved in my spirit. Look at how she took the situation. she still thank the lord. She got married and had three children. The oldest was seven.  She said her husband was inflicted with cancer and he was scheduled to die. She also said Her father died on a Sunday and her husband did the following week. Who could have handled such loss.  I feel It was the grace of God in her, that made her surpass everything. She looked beyond her situation and continually gave thanks to God.

Now she’s married to someone who used to be her childhood friend while they were kids.  He was best friend. After eight years of being a widow, God didn’t end her story there. He raised her up continually. She looks so young and beautiful. she looks as though she’s in her twenties. That is what I call a trial.  she really kept the devil under her feet! right where he belongs.
She stirred my spirit man alive. I am still growing in faith. my route might seem longest but I rather go through the hardships then getting something I never worked for. I’m still trusting God for a lot of things and I know HE hasn’t forgotten me. I can assure you, HE still fighting my battle, always and forever.


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About the Writer

Deborah Agboye

My name is Agboye Deborah. I’m a student of university of Lagos. I just finished my diploma programme. I’m currently awaiting my result, so by HIS grace, I’ll be in 200level by November. I write about life, something somewhere within the deep. I’m 19years old. Click here to go down with me as I explore life with my blog.


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2 thoughts on ““That night I shut myself completely from God. I cursed him. I said HE was wicked”- Agboye Deborah

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