Torn-made

 

A night of misfortune. A night of haunted memories that will follow me till I close my eyes. I waited for death, this time I prayed, even if I didn’t believe in what I was saying, I still prayed to God, hoping in tears He would grant my grain wish.

Peter came to me in tears, telling me how broken he was, how rejected and physiological abused he has been. He was an idealistic person but he was emotionally drained. He needed help, I could sense that because it was as vague as a glinted glass. Ticktock, I waited patiently for him as the saliva in my mouth began to dry. My throat was itchy and my heart was pounding faster than a rock and roll drum set. That was me eager and fidgeting, waiting to listen to what he had to say.

Phew! He finally said something; “I have auditioned twenty times, I got five calls back, but each of them gave an excuse saying my role was removed to save cost. I couldn’t blame them, since the role didn’t make so much sense. I didn’t want to give up, so I tried music, they concluded I was good enough. That wasn’t enough to pull down any sort of hope, so I started to rap; they said I didn’t have the attitude. This time, I was brutally crushed, with the little hope I had left, I decided to audition for modeling, then I received a text message saying I was walking like someone who got a stick in between his thighs”. Peter was sobbing, saying he wasn’t good enough. He said maybe this wasn’t his lifetime. I told him he would be the star he has always wanted to be. I told him that he would shine soon, even if “soon” sounded impossible. I spoke softly to him, that those who rejected him would crave to have his attention back.

As he walked out of my apartment, I began to sob quietly. I just gave someone an advice I needed myself. I am so talented or at least I think I am. Maybe I am brave and smart, maybe I am too deceived about the way I feel about myself, that is why I have never tried auditioning. Peter is gallant. He has tried all, no matter how many rejections he got. I want to be famous one day but I am terribly petrified to try anything because of the anxiety of failure. He is a much better person than I am. A girl filled with dreams but doesn’t believe in her ability.

I sighed and decided to live with my unrealistic dreams. At least, even if I couldn’t achieve mine, I would help people achieve theirs. I didn’t give up on Peter, I didn’t find it in me to do that. Peter became my number one priority, as I mentored him all the way. They say freedom comes when you have achieved all your goals but I tell you, true freedom is a state of happiness without complaints or regrets.

Peter walked into my home, smiling and telling me how he got a call that he had already been given the lead actor in one of the biggest production. He got the chance to be the man he had always wanted to be. After his announcement, His smile I could not forget. His gentle face stirred, he climbed on top of me and raped the living daylight of my body without any self-justification.

Now I smile, not only the good smile, but the smile of a champion. I thought my life had ended the day Peter stole my humanity. It was a night I thought would never end, as I pleaded to God for death. Someone spoke to me, a voice, a thought, at that instinct I couldn’t pinpoint. “You’ve always sought for an easy way out, that is why your dreams look paralytic”.

I was afraid of failing, that is why I didn’t pursue my career. I was antagonized of what my life would become by a NO.

Even though I wouldn’t see a star in myself, I would help other people see it in themselves. I have tutored so many people in career choices and groomed them like I was paid for. I felt lighter the moment I realized that wanting so much is the same as having nothing but concentrating on the few little things that matters pave way to the things we crave to happen. I know God now and I feel relaxed. I forgave peter a long time ago.
I stood up to check my mail as I saw a letter of acceptance from a movie I auditioned for. Beneath it, I saw Peter’s name written on it. I felt relieved that fate has brought us back together, but I tore in pieces as I closed the door.


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