Yet again I find myself in a place I thought would be miles apart from me. I thought everything was going smooth, even if there was uncertainty, in my little mind, I had already fixed everything from the beginning to the end. I wanted to give it a chance; The most exciting is that, as scared as I was, I was extremely excited to give it a chance one more time.
See me smiling from ear to ear as my heart kept telling me to be extremely careful. I called it doubt or the fear of the past. I decided to ignore all feelings and rejection to follow what I believed to be right. It was really fascinating as the new feeling started to crawl and spread its toxic remedy all through my heart. Trust me, it was beautiful and colorful. I enjoyed every bit and piece of it. No one is certain about anything, we all try or take a leap of faith as someone once told me to. I have no regrets in that decision that almost made me a depressant.
Trust me, I thought I had gotten over the pain of being betrayed or being left alone. My growing up has taught me how to always pick your self up each time you fall. There were days when I needed the perfect mom, but she was never there, There where days when I needed the perfect dad but I am damn sure he doesn’t know I exist. There were days when I’ll be alone looking for someone to share all my thoughts, fears, insecurities to, but no one was there. There were nights when I needed a mom to advice me and tell me corny stories yet again she was never there. I envy most people who has the chance to have both parents in their lives but they are so ungrateful, nagging about how they are so protective.
I grew up swallowing my thought and that made me quiet, not because I choose to but because no one was always there. I felt really alone for so long, I still have this big hole in my heart that both parent needed to occupy. I just wish I had a mother who was here and a father who actually cares. I was broken in that aspect and I despised polygamous home. I vowed to be the best mother to my unborn kids and give them a dad that will love them to infinity. I grew up living with the unstable transition from home to home, holiday to holiday, country to country. My upbringing was so unstable. I attended close to six primary schools; I went to three secondary schools. In that aspect I guess I was lucky enough to find a family who wanted me for me. I have so many unforgettable images running through my head like a gallery slide show. I didn’t even know what the love of a parent felt like. I know I had so many people who I could call father but the love of a true father melts an ice. I pretend most times like I didn’t care enough to need one but I still need him.
I didn’t even know what the love of a parent felt like
I decided to fill every emptiness with getting better at the thing I thought would improve me. I thought if one day My dad sees me on T.V, he would come look for me. I wanted to be better at every chance I got. I challenged myself in every thing I did. The daughter of a highly respectable man with over ten degrees should be something someday. Sometimes I blame my mom for following love and money or whatever it is she did. I try to forgive him, I mean I really did but it is so hard hating someone who doesn’t know about your existence. I built myself up high with the help of inspirational people around me and God.
I needed to allow my past stay in the past even if I have been hurt emotionally by it. I decided to channel all my energy to my new best friend and boyfriend. Trust me he was really the best. It was simple and easy-going. Even if I feared to dream of the future, I thought the present could someday be the future. It was slow and steady but peaceful.
Everyday was another sunrise of happiness and laughter and I thanked God each day for raining his cloud of favor on me. I decided to close that chapter of my life till I was emotionally ready but taking a risk once in a while shouldn’t be so dramatic. I decided to ignore all insecurities and give it a go. It didn’t last for too long, I was so angry at first that he gave up so easily. I wanted to change and rebel but I knew I would regret that someday and I didn’t want to live that kind of life. I was so hurt and emotionally paralyzed. It wasn’t the first time but I thought it wouldn’t hurt like the first but it did or much more.
After some days I stopped judging and started to reason because I wanted to end it too; because compromises were just too much. At other instances I didn’t want to be tagged as somebody’s ex. That was the first time I cried. It was as if that hurt unleashed every pain locked down in me. I felt rejected all over again. I felt unlucky and unwanted. NO mom, NO dad, the only woman who never made me question her love for me died and I never got to fulfill all the promises I made to her. The pain was too much to bear, I couldn’t handle it. I wanted to act like a big girl and smile through everything like I always did but those flickering tears won’t stop pouring down. I saw me working into depression and I couldn’t stop myself. I allowed it and wallowed into it. I was relieved, and finally able to point at someone for hurting me. Since I grew up without knowing what true love is. It was refreshing and antagonizing blaming someone for my pain. I wanted to hate everyone that has caused me pain but I didn’t since I have learnt to always swallow my opinion all my life. It was taking too long and I knew I needed to break the spell of depression but I didn’t know how to. I didn’t know who to trust anymore and I found comfort in the sonority of depression.
I tried really hard and I concluded that you might be broken, but you do not have to remain that way. One pain unleashed another pain and all my un-forgiveness in the past enveloped me to obscurity and doubt, I thought I was the mistake child because I was always different among my peers and family. I felt unlucky and thought I had too little of everything I wanted. I felt so lost in this world of fitting in. I was wrong because I thought one person was holding me together. I channeled my thought thinking my happiness depended on anybody. I later realised that it was my choice to allow any one walk into my life. If they choose to walk out that shouldn’t bother me because my happiness was never tied to them in the first place. I was asked once if I would like to change anything about my past, I was tempted to say yes but then, I realised my past made me very interesting and daring. If that didn’t happen to me, you wouldn’t have a story to read. My past has taught me that having a break down one hundred and ten times doesn’t make you vulnerable but it shows you are human and have feelings.
I later realised that it was my choice to allow any one walk into my life. If they choose to walk out that shouldn’t bother me because my happiness was never tied to them in the first place
Your case might be much worse than mine, but you need to stop being broken and start to channel your energy into something positive and exciting. I always say that everything I have doesn’t come easy because I always have to work hard for it. I think that phrase is wrong. All I have is because God allowed it not because I worked hard for it. Things might be extremely slow and very intimating, but you got to be strong in faith and stand for what you believe in. Your values or your fling?. I might not be vaguely caring but when I do decide to give someone my attention you will have to call 911 for emotional freedom.
Arrows will be shot at different direction but be sure not to fall victim of its hits. Stop hollowing in that state you think is interesting. It is normal to feel down at some point, don’t let it go to the extreme by allowing it validating what you should be stepping on. Depression is one ugly spot that I don’t want to find myself in. I know it seem hard to crawl out of it, or forgiving someone for hurting you, or forgetting an abuse or a pain, you must to stop being broken. stop beating yourself up over a guy you lost. Stop justifying someone action for breaking up with you and stop thinking it was your fault because you didn’t do what should have been done. You will lose something priceless because of your insecurities but learn to be adult about everything and learn to grow out of feeling like everything you do is a mistake.
I remember when he decided to end thing; he said he did it because he didn’t want to compromise my standard and belief. I was so angry because he didn’t have the right to tell me what to do or think for me. As time went on I discovered that he was much of a man than I expected, someone willingly to put me first even if I didn’t see it that way. I was hurt but I didn’t want that to define me anymore. It was a process of healing that is still continuing. You might have been raped, defiled in some ways that no one knows of but you, you got to stop thinking about that disadvantage about your life and think about how lucky you are to have survived that situation, even if you are still carrying that heavy burden on your shoulders. Healing is not like a magic, it is a gradual process that takes place, the moment you realize that you cant do it alone, the second you admit you need help and you allow God to take over that hurt in your life, you will begin that most existing moment in your life. I am much of a human like you and I am weak in some ways just like you, but I don’t let that define me in any sort of way because I know I could always turn to one who never judges me in any sort of way. You can do this, you are much bigger than that situation you find your self, just take that step and the healing would be the best cleansing in your life.
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