Take a Breath

I tried to write something down two days ago, I couldn’t. Maybe because God knew I was not ready to write. Maybe because He knew what was about to happen, so He allowed me through fire this time around.

Do I feel excited writing this? Truth is, I’m writing from the bottom of my heart.

How do you take life one step at a time? It is choosing to be blind, and allowing God be the very eyes you depend on. Today, I was asking God: why is everything so hard? Why do you have to make me go through brimstone to get what I want? Why do you have to teach me such a hard lesson? Why is my life too hard? Why?

So many questions popped into my heart as I saw a school result of mine; a score was not recorded. I was so disappointed. I thought “God, why do you have to test me this hard? Why do I get to pray, fast, worship you, pay my tithe, and live in consciousness of you, and still you forsake me when I needed you the most. Why do you have to abandon me? Why are unbelievers getting it so easy but you have to take me through miles and miles to give me some things others get easily. Why do you have to test me, even when I don’t want to be tested? What are you preparing me for? Why can’t you be God and God alone? What is in my future that you are testing at the hardest place of my heart?

After I had lamented, I had really spoken a piece of my mind to everyone who cared to listen. Each of those moments while I was complaining and nagging, it was like God was saying “darling, I am still God”. Your complaining won’t solve anything. I can do all that for you. I was just too angry to trust someone who had messed me up. The more I get to know God, the harder it becomes for me. I feel even the diamond in the fire needs rest at some point, for adjustments and amendment. I just need a little break. I just said Lord this test is too hard, can you take me to level 10 because level 1 is too hard?

Then it hit me. One day at a time. You had a bad break? You had things turn out ugly? You felt betrayed? You felt broken? Then take it one day at a time. Forget what is happening now. Forget the fact that you are nobody for now. Concentrate on the future, and if staring at the future seems scary, then trust God and choose to be blind and let God’s eyes be the very eyes you use to view your life. Knowing about the unknown is frightening, and not knowing anything leads to curiosity. But you were not permitted to worry about the next day.

You remember the story of the Israelite, when they had nothing to eat, and God provided manna, he told them to pick what they wanted for today that he was going to provide for the future. But since we are filled with the thoughts of worrying for ourselves, they took more than they were instructed to. It is the same thing I did today. After the bad news of my missing results, I forgot all God has promised me concerning it. I was angry like Job was. I questioned God. I doubted him. I forgot it was a day and the next day would come. I didn’t cry out to God for mercy, I just questioned him and told him I was tired.

If you read Matthew 6:25-30, it explained more why I shouldn’t worry about anything. But I am human, and my flesh cringes to discomfort, doubts and fear.

Trust God because nothing is too small or too big for him to handle. If you worry about tomorrow, then today will be miserable. If you curse God when you shouldn’t because He is not acting in the dimension you want, you will keep driving your blessings. Do I trust God after all that is happening to me? I feel hurt and broken, but I still have to trust him.

Yes, it wasn’t easy because I was literally hearing the devils voice “curse God and die” He was simply saying, “do those things God hates”. “God failed you, why then are you trying to still honor him?”.

I did not want to trust God but I have come a long way in my christian walk of faith. I have come to love and honor God. I have worked hard with this place I am in Christ, so I refuse to be ruled by my fears. I am filled with so many emotions as to why things are happening to me, but I still have to trust God. I feel like a fool still trying to hold on to God despite having nothing to hold on to, but I know that His plans for me are of good and not evil. I believe in miracles. I believe in a turn around. I believe things do change.

That is my thread of hope, knowing that God is not dead. Thank you God!!!

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