As a child, I had a friend who, whenever an argument ensued, he found it difficult to let his intentions and message known because he becomes emotional and starts to cry. He could never deal with his emotions whenever an argument occurred. Growing up, he has learnt to manage his emotions and can now communicate effectively, whether or not there is an argument.
Every man’s thoughts, words, actions and inactions stem from a belief system. As a result, there is bound to be arguments between two or more parties because of the difference in the belief system that either party practices.
Arguments mostly ensue between two or more parties when there is a misunderstanding of either party’s belief system. During arguments, it is most likely that one will get emotional and this can lead to conflict.
In order to participate in arguments without being emotional, one must first know these truths about emotions.
1. As human beings, we are equipped with certain feelings and emotions for a reason. Our job is not so much to try to get rid of those emotions but to learn how to manage them.
2. Emotions are fickle and ephemeral. They never last! In fact, we experience different emotions and feelings in a day – anger, happiness, sadness, excitement, etc
3. Nobody will ever reach the place of not having emotions. Nobody will ever reach a point in life of not experiencing a wide variety of feelings.
4. There is nothing wrong with emotions as long as they are kept under control.
Having known these truths about our emotions, how then can one engage or participate in arguments without being emotional? The following are three simple but vital steps to participating in arguments without being emotional.
1. Be Assertive
To be assertive means to be bold, confident, and self-assured, without being aggressive. You need not be aggressive when trying to make your point known to the other party. Say what you want in clear, but firm manner.
As stated earlier, arguments occur as a result of the differences in either party’s belief system. It is futile trying to change another person’s belief system. All you can do is state your own point. It is left to the other party to take it or not. However, in stating your point, “you can say what you mean without being mean.”
2. Listen Thoughtfully
One of the major reasons why communication is not effective, and which leads to argument is the lack of a listening ear. Either party wants to make their points known at the same time! No one is patient enough to want to listen to the other. As a result, an argument occurs.
Everyone hears but not many people listen.
Whenever you are involved in an argument, try as much as possible to listen, and listen thoughtfully.
To listen thoughtfully is to try to connect with the heart of the other person talking while still reflecting on your own points as well. It’s also possible that you both are saying the same thing!
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The Good Book says: “Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks.” In listening thoughtfully to the other party, you are able to know exactly what it is that is going on in their mind and you can connect easily.
3. Change Your Lenses
When you change the way you see things, the things you see change.
Wayne Dyer
Your way of seeing things is not the only way of seeing things.
Rev. Sam Adeyemi
It means therefore that our perception of things differs. Every human has a perception of the world. You must come to terms that your own perception is not the only perception. Once you understand this, you are able to step into the shoes of the other party and understand fully well why they say the kind of things they say.
Unless you are able to step into the shoes of the other person, you might not understand exactly where they are coming from and both of you might just keep going back and forth! It is expedient that you change your lenses in order for you to see clearly.
In Joyce Meyer’s MANAGING YOUR EMOTIONS, she said: “Balance is needed – the ability to show emotions when they are positive and helpful, and to control our emotions when they are negative and destructive.”
Remember, you can never do away with your emotions. You can only learn to manage them.
P.S. To learn more about managing emotions, you can get Joyce Meyer’s MANAGING YOUR EMOTIONS and Tim Lahaye’s SPIRIT-CONTROLLED TEMPERAMENT.
How do you manage your emotions during an argument? Feel free to share in the comments below.
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