In my Shadows

How does it feel,  when someone asks you for help but due to inconvenience you keep dodging that person, just to please your own comfort? It’s constantly in your heart, panting and breathing for your release but you do nothing about it. I won’t say all feelings are right because not all emotions should be put through. I’ve tried fighting this urge for a long time, saying I wasn’t fit enough.

I fought this feeling really hard. I am so not prefect; I make mistakes countless times and I still make them. I’m definitely not fit for this task. Who in their right mind would recommend me for that position?

When I look into the mirror, all I can see are my imperfections, my shortcomings. It’s like anything I do is always wrong. Okay, I tried considering it. Maybe a little or a bit because my consideration always end up with “one day, I’ll grow and be better”. But I’m never better and ready. I keep making mistakes. I keep making promises I know I  could probably never fulfill. I keep making them because they are never true. I keep walking in my own shadows. Why do I still feel this void in me? I keep replacing it with success and hard work.

It keeps panting in my heart and I keep dodging. Maybe I’ll till my last day in earth. I want so many things and that definitely is not in my area of concentration at all. I’m too weak. I fall a thousand times and I keep falling. I  know in me the path I should follow, but it’s too hard giving upon something I know than what I am so not sure of. But why do I still see those signs. Am I too shortsighted to see what’s in front of me.  I try to play by the rules or are the rules playing me? I thought I could bend the rules and still stand again but I can’t. I’m always worried because something in me feels like giving in but I can’t.

I want bigger and greater things, even the best of the best, but the best in me is as weak as a good old dead lamp. Without finding a connection in my heart, I’m simply nothing. The void is murdering my sense of authenticity. I know what’s right in my heart, even the very least of my soul considers my urge for HIS word. When will I be ready? When? Running away from your biggest fear, is the visualization of your nightmares.


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