Again, I stood up in pain. My lower body aching from immerse pain. I silently wondered how long this will have to go on before justice will have to be served. How long will I allow tranquility blind my integrity. At first, I didn’t know I was abused until I saw that movie that Uncle Maxwell watched with his girl friend Aunt Esther. I knew then she was a motivational speaker and she spoke aggressively about abuse. She made a point that pulled a trigger in my heart about ‘people not voicing out’. I wanted to talk, I wanted to tell the whole truth, but who would believe a naive boy who is the dumbest kid at school. It would be my word against everybody else.
With a trembling heart, I saw the shadow of that person again. I knew it was time. Moments of unforgettable pain for me and pleasure for him. I thought for another instance, that what he was doing was a normal thing to do, since it was already a frequent activity. He asked me to pull my trousers down and made me do things I didn’t want to do to myself. He enjoyed me touching myself. I thought it was alright because he smiled and his eyes glowed with passion each time I did that. I thought for once, I was finally able to do something that I wasn’t reprimanded for. I started to have power in it. I was starting to forget the pain and I couldn’t wait for our encounter. This continued for Three years and I started to gloat about my new self-confidence even if, no one knew what it was all about.
It was time for Henry to leave, since he was going to further his education. He was about twenty-five years old and I was only turning fifteen. I cried awfully and asked him not to go. My parents were perplexed with my alarming display of affection, but they covered it up with me being just a kid. I still pleaded but he made up his mind already to go. I thought I was in love with Henry, since he was the only person that ever showed me love in my early fifteen years of miserable life. Henry did leave me with emptiness and pain, but he took my innocence and humanity with him also. I missed him for months and cried on lonely nights. I knew what I felt for Henry was an outright abomination, but he made me feel love that was the only thing that mattered to me.
It was one week after my birthday, I moved into the hostel. As a university fresh undergraduate, everything was new to me. Henry was really smart and he thought how to be among the bright kids in class. I had already toughen up and my looks were also endearing too. I never looked at anything girl more than twice, not because they didn’t look beautiful, but I found them less appealing. Everything was going on fine until I encountered this lady who brought another phase to my disguised identity. She made me feel less of a man. It was my female lecturer who continued to fail me. At first, I thought I was the one not doing the reading, so I started to put in more effort and time in other to pass her course, but it was as if the more I studied, the more she enjoyed failing me. I took the courage to go to her office to demand for my script as I couldn’t take the bitterness anymore, but she was reluctant to pay me any attention. I almost felt like an idiot for walking into her office that day. I wanted to go to the higher authorities to report the case but people who were above me shared different experience of students who had done exactly what I was about to do. The shared stories of how those students had diverse carriage over from different courses. It was as if all the lecturers were groomed by one mother because they always acted united and were always ready to destroy the future of any student who feels he/she is too bright to keep their mouth to themselves.
I was already expecting another carry over by the end of the semester until I saw an A in that course. I was thrilled with happiness, as I got a call from my class governor saying I was summoned by Miss Rose. Students often a times, gossip why a woman so beautiful and intelligent does not have a ring on her finger. I was curious as to why she decided to seek an audience with me but I still obeyed and was headed straight to her office. When I reached the door to her office, I straightened my long sleeve blue shirt, and held the door knob on my hands as I decided to take another look at myself, since Miss Rose always believed every student should dress properly and responsibly. I was not sure why I was there, but I was certain I didn’t get to be in her bad books. I finally opened the door and took another step further, so I could close the door behind me. She gave me the warmest smile ever, I was starting to feel relaxed but was unsure on how to comport my self.
She started off, saying I was bright. My muscle felt relaxed completely on hearing that. she talked about me studying abroad and how I could find more leverage there. I just nodded and smiled a little to flow with the moment. I didn’t want her to be aware of my lost supposed love who had traveled there and never bothered to give me a call for almost two years now. She stood up, and circled me talking and walking slowly about how great it is to focus on your priority in school and how to stay off any distractions as it might affect my grades and CGPA [Cumulative Grade Point Average]. I just kept my attention on her and cherished all she had to say. As she was talking and walking, her pen fell in front of me, I wanted to pick it up but she bent down before I could move a pulse and picked it up herself. My heart raced a little as I was actually checking my teacher’s behind. I knew this was certainly not right but I was thrilled at how fast it took for her to bend down and how long it took for her to get up.
After all said and done, I was dismissed to go. I thought the day was weird enough, after she gave me that copious smile. I froze with the thought of her seducing me. I nearly considered her to a pedophile until she spoke to me as a mother would for the last time that day- “Paul, focus on your studies and starve your distractions”. I decided to remove every doubt about her and blamed myself for judging an innocent woman who wanted to see me do good. I assumed it all ended there, not until I got back to my hostel and I couldn’t stop replaying the scene in my head. I couldn’t stop thinking of her perfectly shaped behind. I couldn’t stop thinking of how tight her skirt was to her body. I could not stop recalling how much flesh was revealed. Her legs were really long and smooth. I felt relieved, knowing that I wasn’t abnormal as most folks would describe me, since it was my first time getting attracted to any woman. Days went by and I could not take her off my mind. I even started to see her in my dreams, as I continued to have unhealthy fantasies of her. I Knew perfectly well it was not a good sign and abominable, which was why I wanted to put a stop to everything. I focused on my studies as she advised me to and starved my distraction which was her.
Everything was going fine as I anticipated, I stumbled on her again on the Lekki lake beach. This time, she wasn’t my lecturer or anybody, she was just a regular peasant passing by. I still respected her and answered every question with a yes ma. She acted so casually, and I didn’t want to abuse her flexibility. It was already 4:15pm and I knew if I wanted to beat the Island traffic I should be on my way back. I was about going, when Miss Rose spotted and insisted she drops me off. I was not ready to put up with her offer but she persuaded me and I ignorantly obliged. I thought no harm would be done. The ride was a silent long drive home as I expected, till I heard a beep beside me. I cursed quietly at whoever would have been calling me because I figured it was a bad timing. I believed it was rude to pick the call, but luckily for me it was her phone and not mine. I went AWOL while she was having the short conversation with the caller. I came back to my essence when she ended the call with a bit of disappointment in her voice. She just voiced out her frustration, and was worried on how she was going to fix her kitchen sink and bathroom since she will use them for the weekend. I courteously asked her what was wrong? I tried to be manly and bold even if it was for a minute. She said that the plumber that was supposed to fix her kitchen and bathroom sink in order to allow the flow of water bailed on her. She said she will really need it since she is staying home for the weekend. I spoke calmly because what I was to say may or may not sound pleasing but I spoke anyways. I offered my help, with astonishment, she enthusiastically accepted my weird gesture. She breathe a sign of relief, it was surprisingly soothing to me. At least, I know I am not crossing a boundary like I suspected earlier.
Some minutes later, we arrived at her house. It was stunningly gorgeous. My mouth was in awe staring at how everything fits perfectly. You will doubt where she works, gazing at the magnificence of her home. Everything was breath-taking down to the painting on the wall. I really loved her taste of style. I decided to focus on the reason I was really there, as I helped to fix her sinks. It was challenging but I didn’t want to quit because of my man ego so I ensured I did it wholeheartedly, which turned out to be working well. By the time I was done, it was 7:45pm, I was about heading out, when she insisted I stay for a while since it’s the least she could do. Out of respect for her and to feed my eyes by capturing the beauty of her home, I stayed.
The same pain again, the same torturous pain I used to feel when Henry was still around. AH…, what happened? I remember we were eating, then we saw one movie, from there I don’t remember what happened. I saw myself in bed with my lecturer. How would I explain this to people, my parent. God, no! I know I had fantasize about her but not in this manner of being drugged. I can’t remember what happened. I felt her stirring in the bed, she saw me and smiled. She whispered Good morning darling. I angrily asked what was good about the morning, and why the sour pain I was feeling in the lower parts of my body? She confessed about some ugly things she did in the past; she said she is not a pedophile, but she enjoys being in charge in times of sexual activities. She said at the beginning, all her boyfriends enjoy being submissive but when she became so obsessive about it, they ran for their lives. She claimed she was forced into this, and now, she can’t stop herself from the dominant partner. She enjoyed violent love-making and no kind of guy in their right sense would want to go down with her that way, so she brings people to her home deceiving them with the beauty and her tenderness. she claims she drugs them and have her own fun and make them do anything she want since they are not in their right subconsciousness. I cried as the only question on my mind was whether she made up the story of the plumber. I gave in to my anxiety and inquired. She replied ‘NO’, but when I was already inside her home, she couldn’t resist the urge to do to me what she did to every man she had brought to her sinful home. I felt cheated and used. After that event, I tried to avoid her as much as possible. I was matured enough to remain in silence as I had done in the past.
For some unjustifiable reason, I found my way into Miss Rose’s spell and this continued for the remaining two years I spent at the university. She violated me in ways that were unbearable, but again I considered it normal. I enjoyed being her lab dog. It killed any self-esteem I had left in me. A year after I graduated, she eventually got married and told me she loved her new husband. She said she had given up her old ways, she claimed she had found God. I laughed out loud. She pleaded for forgiveness as she cried, begging me to forgive her for dragging me into her selfish world. I told her it was too late but she didn’t quite understand my words, and I had no interest divulging the clarity of my words.
Through the aid of my parent influence, I got a very good job. At 22 I was doing too well for that age. If I bat my eyes, I could get any girl I wanted. I started to do to them as they have done to me. It felt empowering being in charge and I felt like a king. I continued for so long. I was not happy with the life that I lived but I couldn’t stop not because I didn’t have a choice but I wasn’t ready to stop being abused, emotionally, physically, and mentally. I was not ready for a change I did not know, instead I stayed in order to relish with a pain I thought I knew. I lived the years of misery, un-forgiveness and hatred. I was bitter with everyone as I ensured I took something from anyone I encountered to fill every brokenness I felt. My family thought I was the perfect son, But they don’t know the demons I face.
Not that I didn’t consider seeking help from people, but how can I hurt my ego as a man saying I need help. The world is accustomed to see girls as being abused. No one really fancies a guy being molested. No more would be interested in my knot up life. I was defaced with lies and the self-cruelty by everyone who abused me. I pity the fifteen people I used and abused because I was just as confused as they were letting someone take advantage of their bodies that were supposed to be their most priced possession. I cry for the millions of boys who have been emotionally and physically abused just like I have been. Who thought silence was an option. Who saved their ego instead of their self-image.
I decided to let go of my ego and sought help. It was challenging since it is like telling your darkest secret to someone. It took a lot of courage and self convincing to complete the therapy session. I got a plus on that session because she introduced me to the mighty healer. It was hard but I accepted him and my life changed from a mess to a message. I should have spoken even though no one would listen. I should have said No when I was asked to do things I was not comfortable with but I chose to see silence as my only option then. After the healing, I was tempted to go back to my old ways but I didn’t because I didn’t want to hollow in self-pity no more. It was the hardest days of my life. I am healed now, I opened a foundation for boys around the world who think silence should an option at all. I am so happy that I could give back to the society. I decided to leave a letter to my ex lecturer.
Dear Mrs ROSE,
I forgive you…
I hope Henry is changed, I have not heard him too but I forgive him too.
BOYS ARE ABUSED TOO. PLEASE NO ONE SHOULD EVER LIMIT THEIR ABILITY TO GET HELP. WE ALL NEED IT.